Every Sunday I look deep inside and ask myself: Did I really escape a hangover? Or am I still drunk? And why does my hair look so great?

— Micki E Grover (@MickiElizabeth) June 10, 2012

Just found a neat way to knock over a bunch of furniture using only your sperm. It's called "having kids."

— Matt Koff (@MATT_KOFF) June 17, 2012

Anyone know a good American Apparel dressing room I can sob in?

— Ryan Sandoval (@ryandsandoval) June 17, 2012

"I hate tuesdays." -Parallel Universe Garfield

— asterios kokkinos (@asterios) June 19, 2012

Finally got pot legalized in Farmville, but Facebook changed the game music to String Cheese Incident without a mute button.

— Lee Keeler (@LeeKeeler) June 15, 2012